Welcome back to the world’s most vacant blog. I haven’t written anything on here in years. But, I just thought to myself, now is the ideal time to start writing. With time and kids on hand, I should be chock full of thoughts and anecdotes. Ella just told us riddles while sitting on top of the Pilot. My neighbors just waved at me while they passed in their car. They’ve never waved. We’ve lived here three and a half years. I am constantly writing and re-writing my own eulogy. That’s what I’ve got going on.

Also, since I haven’t done this in years, you’re going to have to forgive me if it looks wonky. I can’t tell if I just started a new paragraph or a new page. It’s going to look very dramatic if I started a new page. Here’s hoping it was a paragraph.

Oh, good. I hit return and it’s a paragraph. Anyway, I’ve always been convinced I would die young. I guess that’s not right. I’ve always been convinced I would never really live. I grew up thinking I didn’t deserve to fall in love, get married, buy a home, have kids. A lot of this had to do with being ostracized when I was in eighth grade. Live a year where you’re alternately hated or invisible and see if it’s possible to believe in the future.

I did get married, albeit to the wrong person. I did buy a home, albeit in the wrong town. I did have two children, and that I nailed. I have two dynamic, beatific children. The Avett Brothers put it best – “I love you, and I’m proud of you both, in so many different ways”.

And I did fall in love, albeit when I was forty and long thought that chance had passed. I fell in love like falling asleep, slowly and at the same time all at once. It took a decade and a half. It took a sideways glance.

And so here I am, writing because I am wondering if COVID will kill me. Those of you who know me know I smoked for many years. I can’t have the sturdiest lungs. One thing I have going for me is luck. I am the most fortunate person I know. I have walked through hell and kept walking, I have dropped my basket and picked it up, I have lived when I should have died. I am here.

And I’ll be back soon.

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