I am grateful for pets.

Irish was a Staffordshire terrier who barked at anyone who came near me and learned to swim because I was in a lake yelling for help because my flip-flop was stuck in the muck. And help she did. She swam out and nearly drowned me with her newfound skill.

Bouche was a beautiful Siamese who, it turned out upon inheritance, was never litter-trained. This was relayed by my former mother-in-law after thousands of dollars had been invested in diapers and a diagnosis of IBS. I loved it when Bouche sat on my lap and purred loudly. Except when she sometimes shat.

Deuce was a tiger stripe whose formal name was Deuce Bigolo, Kitty Gigolo. He earned this moniker because, from an early age, he would constantly lay sprawled on his back, limbs akimbo. I have a picture of him sitting firmly on his cat ass staring boldly at the camera, stuffed bat toy by his side, remote by one paw, other paw on his nether regions, wearing an expression that clearly says, “Yeah? What of it?”

Wally was an orange tabby whose original name was Yaz, after the Red Sox player. But then he got lost in the bathroom and meowed bloody murder. And a Yaz doesn’t get lost in the bathroom. But a Wally does.

The guy featured above is Freddy, and he’s clearly half-lidded and stoned on clean laundry fumes. Please note that he has chosen the white article of clothing as his base. He’s got a knack for that. Freddy came to live with us about two months ago and has never looked back. He’s eighteen pounds of pure wanting more, and this house is equipped with a small, blonde, roving treat-dispenser. When she’s not around, or when guests come, or, let’s be honest, any time that the little hand is moving on the clock, Freddy can be found in front of his food cabinet pleading his case. For hours. It’s become like living near a train – I don’t even hear his whistle anymore.

Things Freddy Will Eat

• All seafood
• Any meats
• Blue corn chips
• Shitake mushrooms
• Chick peas
• Cantaloupe
• Puke
• Lettuce
• Cheese
• Hula Skirt Grass (which he will then crap out, and trail around the house. It’s delightful.)

Things Freddy Will Not Eat

• Avocado
• TBD

My son likes to ask how many lives Freddy has used. I think he wants to make sure that Freddy’s not on #9, so if he keels over he can be reminded that it’s okay. You’ve got another chance. Just get back up.