My mother used to have this cranky little Lhasa Apso with abandonment issues. Tipsie would sleep with one tiny leg extended over some part of my mom’s body while she slept, so she would know when my mom was leaving her. My two children are prone to this same tactic. I just woke up in the middle of my bed covered in limbs, two tiny bodies laying with arms and legs akimbo so I couldn’t leave without notice while they slept. They both sleep like they spent all day working on the railroad though, and disentanglement is usually not difficult.

Yesterday was a tough day for Ella, starting with the transition from her dad’s house to ours. She refused to leave, and told me that she didn’t know why she didn’t love me anymore, but that it had something to do with her dad, and that I wasn’t fun. I don’t doubt that I’m less fun. Our home isn’t constantly filled with other kids. I get frequent texts from their dad at our designated call time when they are with him that say that he is trying to corral them, but “there are a ton of kids here” or “it’s a madhouse”. I generally don’t hear back on those nights. I know that those kids are mainly older boys, and I picture Ella being younger, running more slowly, trying to play their games.

I finally discerned that this particular tantrum had something to do with the lack of Playmobil toys at our house, a situation I’m not likely to remedy quickly. First of all, I don’t have the money to buy the kids toys at the pace at which they would like, and secondly, I am trying to avoid being shiny-object-parent. I’m not comfortable with it, and Jesus, I’d never keep up.

I do like the Playmobil explosion. Ella has started watching these extremely age-appropriate YouTube videos about the Ricardo family (more on grown women playing with toys at another time) that are basically the NPR of their genre. Yesterday I overheard Dad Ricardo having a snack of delicious toast. And do you know what he thought would go great with delicious toast? Delicious water. He was so excited about delicious water. When he went to get delicious water, another Ricardo spied the delicious toast and ate it. Hilarity ensued.

I’m building up to the fact that it was the perfect day to arrive home and find that my essential oils had been delivered and I could start my experiment. Surely there was something in there that was calming – though Ella was now asleep and pretty damn calm. The diffuser was unobtrusive with its light colored wood, and the oils made me happy because they were neatly arranged in an, albeit cardboard, flat box. I like organization. It could have been better if all the labels had been facing outward, but geez, what kind of diva am I? The thing was forty dollars, for the love of Betty White.

The diffuser instructions suggested a lavender/frankincense combo for calming, and my friend who got me interested in this is always suggesting three drops of something, so I put three drops of each in the diffuser and started that puppy up. At first I put on the light but, whew, that thing is offensive. There is nothing calming about a light that reminds me of the third grade jelly shoes my mom used to buy for me at the drug store for $2.99. I turned the light off and the diffuser just steamed softly, with a little babbling water drip that made me feel like I had to use the bathroom pretty frequently as the night wore on.

It also made me house smell like every apartment I ever made out in during college. Not necessarily unpleasant – more like an awkward nostalgia. College brings back worn couches and cheap beer and indoor temperatures that were always slightly too warm or too cold. I was always a bit too drunk. I think we all were, but some people didn’t notice, or for most it was just college. It brought back bad food and always being a bit behind schedule. It also brought back amazing times with amazing friends. I remember my friend Jeff remarking that some people have a group of friends, and some people have a larger club. We had a crowd.

I don’t know if the oils being diffused calmed me. Ella slept. Finn played on his iPad. I did some laundry. But when I woke up this morning the first thing I noticed was that my pajamas smelled terrific. Like, really fabulously clean and good-morning-y. But then I remembered that I put them on upstairs, so they weren’t around my diffused air, and that I had used a new fabric softener sample that I got in the mail.

So better luck with the next one.

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